And now... A-CRAP-olis!

All right... so I knew that this one was gonna be crap just goin' in. What can I say? It's a great excuse to sound off and just be a general pain in the posterior.

So here's the deal: Ol' Jimmy Franco has actually been impressing some people as Harry Osborne (sp?) in Raimi's Spidey flicks. I guess given the potential of actually becoming a solid young actor in a business known for fluff and overhyped celebrity despite a dearth of talent (are you listening Jared Leto?) Jimmy must've figgered that now was the time to head that little precedent off by starring in this corn-studded turd of a film.

Have you ever seen An Officer and a Gentleman? Of course you have. Well that pretty much tells you what you're in for. That's right, an updated, younged-down version of an already weak movie that makes said previous cheesefest look like it was robbed of an Academy Award for best picture (maybe it was... though either Trek II: the Wrath of Khan's Fake Chest or Conan the Somnambulist really should have taken that puppy home back in '82 instead of On Golden Shower Pond. But I digress).

Ennyway, Jimmy hooks up with a tough-as-nails female instructor (who appears to be all of 14 years old) almost immediately upon being admitted to one of the world's most prestigious academies through one of the most outlandish plot devices I've seen shoveled off as legit writing in a long time (Donnie Wahlberg... who is rapidly pissing away all those brownie points he scored in Band of Brothers... decides to take a chance on this young, snot-nosed punk even though he's uneducated, unwashed, unintelligible, and attitudinal to boot!).

And wouldn't you think that being a freshman at a U.S. Military Academy would involve lots of hardcore classwork in things like math, chemistry and physics... even the 'softer' studies like literature and philosophy? Yeah, I did too but apparently all you really need to know is how to box like Rocky Marciano (or Mike Tyson if you're into that ear-chomping, prison-raping kind of thing) and look good. Having been in the service myself (boy, I bet you didn't know THAT about me, did you?) I found myself thinking; "Holy crap! All those skinny, wimpy dweebs that I served with from Annapolis and figured for spoiled rich eggheads actually were tough? Well shut my mouf!"

Oh, yeah... I'm completely neglecting the "conflict" of the story. Enter Tyrese Gibson (apparently not related to Mel, despite the fact that I'm reasonably certain that he's not Jewish) as this flick's pathetically re-tooled version of Louis Gosset Jr.'s awesome Gunnery Sergeant Foley from AOAAG. Ahhh, Louey... whatever became of you (supporting actor Oscar curse theory anyone?)? Well it's the "ought"'s now dear puzzled, older moviegoer and now we get characters like Gibson's... umm, well, I'm not sure just who he's playing. Supposedly he's a Marine but he wears a Navy Good Humor Ice Cream outfit and his rank is decidedly NOT that of a Marine. Okay, now, I never went to Annapolis so I'm pretty far from an expert on the subject but I'm a reasonably well-informed outsider, having served with (I don't like saying "under" in relation to other males... no matter how dweeby) several Academy grads and I would think that an enlisted man assigned to the Naval Academy as an instructor of cadets (plebes in this case) would be using his official rank and wearing the uniform of his service (see LGJr. in the affore-mentioned AOAAG). Not here. I can't even remember what he was called, something like "Cadet Lieutenant Junior Soap Boy" or something. Whatever he is isn't really important I guess. What he does appear to be is some sort of robotronic, badasserific, genetically-engineered and hydraulically-augmented boxin' son o' GOD!!!! He and Jimmy boy both know immediately after setting eyes (or whatever type of photoreceptors the Robotron uses) on each other that, "I must crrrrrrrush you!"

And so it goes. As the "how to make a military school movie" playbook unfolds before your tired eyes you are treated to what feels like a never-ending parade of cliches and trite plot points. I was truly shocked when (at roughly 43 minutes in) Jimmy succumbed to his nagging self-doubts and general blue-collar angst and decided not to return to the U.S. Naval Home For Good-Looking Kids Who Want To Box And Stuff after Christmas break. My jaw nearly hit the floor when he decided that he needed to finish what he started and went back to face the Instructornator in the boxing ring.

Well a bunch of mish-mash involving some sort of other miscellaneous plebes ensues upon his fateful return to school and I think it all got kinda settled but I can't remember, having been in a sort of cinematic tripe-induced fog from which it was kinda hard to cut through. I think someone jumped/fell/was pushed out of a window somewhere along the way but, well... hell, just rent the turkey if you really want to know!

The culmination of the film comes when Jimmy aces his final exams and is carried through the streets of Annapolis, Maryland while his fellow plebians chant "We Are the Champions" and... oh wait... that didn't happen. Oh yeah! Boxing! That's the real test of officer material!

Jimmy and Robotron square off in the ol' canvas ring and duke it out like the brainless killing machines that are the true hallmark of an officer... let alone a gentleman!

**********Well it seems that Blogger took a dump and deleted the rest of this review so I'll just have to republish and wrap it up a little faster than I did before.************

So Jimmy and the Apocalyptoron go head-to-head and... guess what? Jimmy doesn't win! He doesn't really lose either, but he doesn't win! The best he can manage is to stand there and take what's thrown at him without falling down and crying like a baby rhesus monkey in a hammer-throwing contest. Remind you of another, better movie? Yeah, me too. I guess that the studio suit in charge of developement must have either set the software to 'random' before he left to bang his assistant (reguardless of gender) or he entered Rocky somewhere into it's parameters before hitting the 'generate' key. Jimmy does manage to make the Gibsontronic leak a little bit of hydraulic fluid that I suppose was supposed to be blood (and I could swear that I heard some kind of high-pitched whine coming from somewhere in the vicinity of his battle chassis) but that's about it.

At the end everyone respects and appreciates each other and all agree to give it another go next year. I don't think this fluffernutter of a flick did well enough to warrant a sequel but since when has THAT ever stopped Hollywood? Anyone remember Tomb Raider? All I can say is that if they insist on making "Annapolis 2: Sophomore Slump", I'm gonna pass.

(image credit: RottenTomatoes.com)